‘Communication is vital’: How Daniela reclaimed intimacy and sexuality after her blood cancer diagnosis

Daniela’s diagnosis in 2008 changed many aspects of her life, including her romantic life. She shares how she navigated her sexuality and intimacy with her partner following her diagnosis, and how to regain a sense of normality both inside and outside the bedroom.

Sex is often a taboo subject, but can be an important, natural part of life.

The impact a blood cancer diagnosis can have on relationships and intimacy is not always talked about, which is why it’s important to discuss and explore. It doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your sex life, but it can mean some temporary – and perhaps some permanent – changes in the bedroom.

58-year-old flight attendant Daniela from Brisbane knows all too well the impact that a blood cancer diagnosis can have on a relationship.

In 2008, at the age of 42, she was diagnosed with multiple myeloma.

“My fingertips and toes were constantly numb with pins and needles for weeks,” she recalls.

I thought at the time, ‘this isn’t normal’. I was sent for blood tests and a bone marrow test, which led to my smoldering myeloma diagnosis. The doctor told me to go home and google it. I never did, and after all these years, I never will. I didn’t sleep for weeks. I was too afraid to.

When she was diagnosed, Daniela was married to her then-husband, who struggled with the news just as much as she did.

“I was married at the time. My then-husband didn’t know how to handle the situation, and frankly, I couldn’t blame him,” she says. This put a tremendous amount of strain and pressure on our marriage. We only got married the year before in 2007.”

Our life changed overnight, and so did our romantic life.

Despite this, she wouldn’t require treatment until 13 years later in 2021. Her diagnosis was a precancerous condition called smoldering myeloma (SM), where abnormal myeloma plasma cells exist in the bone marrow and patients usually don’t show clinical symptoms.

As per the optimal care pathway for multiple myeloma, patients with smoldering myeloma require regular monitoring to assess for possible progression to an active disease. Accordingly, Daniela was placed on ‘watch and wait’ and her progress was monitored closely.

Despite not having to undergo immediate treatment, her diagnosis still impacted numerous elements of her life – including her relationship.

An incredible amount of uncertainty and stress had played a part in our relationship [during that time]. I felt like I was going through it alone, even though he tried to be as supportive as he could.”

“I guess neither of us wanted to face reality. So we just pretended that all was okay. Intimacy was never the same during this time, and sex felt like an obligation.

It’s completely normal for blood cancer and its treatments to cause changes in your body, decreasing your interest and desire for sexual activity. These feelings can make it hard to be intimate with someone.

Unfortunately, this took too much of a toll on both of them, and they ultimately divorced in 2018. “Over time, our relationship eroded,” she describes.

Shortly after. Daniela met her current partner, Brad. Drawing on lessons from her previous marriage, she tried a new approach – keeping her relationship separate from her blood cancer.

“I learnt from my previous marriage that it was best I didn’t involve my health life with my romantic life,” she says.

I continued to go to my Oncologist appointments every 3 months with my sister, as neither my partner nor my previous husband were of any value. My sister was the only one that offered real support and took on the ‘carer’ role. She dealt with the paperwork, did research, spoke to doctors, and kept notes.”

“At that time, it didn’t affect my relationship either romantically, sexually, nor from an intimacy point of view, as I wouldn’t discuss this with either of them during that time.

This all changed however, when Daniela finally began treatment in 2021 and had a stem cell transplant – calling on Brad to play a more active role in this new chapter.

But sadly, this didn’t bring the two of them closer together. It only drew them further apart.

“I was in hospital for 16 days,” she recalls. “I could tell each time my partner came to visit during that time, he didn’t want to be there. [When I got home], I was bound to a wheelchair for 5 weeks. I lost all independence and was completely dependent on my family and partner. Showering, eating, getting dressed, and even charging my mobile phone were impossible tasks for me.”

My sex life was non-existent at the time. This continued for around 6 months. I knew he couldn’t bear to be around me. He would lift me out of bed in the morning, place me on the couch, and return me to bed at night.”

“He disappeared during the day, and we weren’t living together at the time. My mum, sister, and niece all cared for me during the day. This was the most difficult period of my life.

Eventually, as Daniela started to recover over time, so did their relationship.

Long term, our intimacy and sex life are in a better place. Although, it did take a few years to get back on track. Lots of therapy and counselling has helped, which we continue to this day.

Reflecting on her experience navigating two relationships while facing blood cancer, she has advice for not just patients like herself, but for their partners too.

“I believe it’s extremely important that newly diagnosed patients know and understand that there are positive outcomes [of a diagnosis],” she says. “I wish I had been more open at the beginning to involve myself in groups and organisations that offer positivity and surround myself with others going through same thing.”

The Leukaemia Foundation has safe and inclusive support groups for Australians facing blood cancer, giving them the opportunity to meet and share with others going through similar challenges. Click here to learn more, or join a support group.

Couples are faced with their own dilemma and navigating their own emotions. Communication is vital [at this time]. It’s about becoming stronger together through support, understanding and knowledge of the disease.”

“As a partner, you’re not always going to get it right, and it’s okay to be scared as well – as this is uncharted waters. I do believe it’s crucial that both partners and patients keep a strong positive mindset and know that sometimes it’s okay to not know what you’re doing.”

“This awful disease is what you want it to be. Take each day as it comes. Not all days are roses, but there are great days too. I know it’s changed my life for the better. I now see life differently.

To speak with a Leukaemia Foundation Healthcare Professional about any concerns you have around sex, intimacy, body image, or your diagnosis, you can give us a call on 1800 620 420, or visit our Online Blood Cancer Support Service.